Thursday, April 27, 2006

what lies beneath

The volcano lies dormant, peaceful.
Its snow-capped peaks reflect its sublime beauty;
Entire hillsides covered under carpets of wild flowers.
They don't remember what lies beneath.

Deeper still, in the twisting valleys
Minute signs of decay peak through the garish facade;
Roots of trees laid bare to the elements,
They don't know what lies beneath.

Under layers of dirt and rock
The molten lava rages at its earthly prison ... the pressure builds
Inching its way through the cracks, forcing its way upwards
They aren't prepared for what lies beneath.

Until without warning, it erupts.

Destruction hurtles down those once beautiful slopes,
Leaving behind a trail of haunted wastelands;
Smoke and fire, sorrow and pain
They are overwhelmed by what once lay beneath.

I don't want that volcano to erupt
But the pressure is building; growing monstrous with each passing day
Do you not think I'd like to avoid a disaster if I could?
But I'm slowly losing control over what lies beneath.

Friday, April 21, 2006

oldest vs youngest.

we were having this great chat during supper at EYF. me, frankie and helen somehow ended up talking about the pros and cons of being the oldest kid versus being the youngest kid. and me and bea ended up bickering (i mean DEBATING) about it all the way home.

we ended up arguing about it so much that we came up with this list:

1st Reason
Val: Why it sucks being the oldest:
Oldest kids have to do all the hard work in paving the way ("clearing the jungle" as bea said) with parents eg asking to go out with friends, or in my case, finally getting my ears pierced at 14 then mum offers bea to get her ears pierced at 10!

Bea: Why it sucks being the youngest:
Youngest kids don't ALWAYS get hand-me-down clothes. In my case, i get no clothes at all, because Valerie doesn't grow (val: "HEY! i grew 1.5cm!!") therefore all the cool clothes she gets STAYS with her !!!!

2nd Reason
Val: Why it sucks being the oldest:
Oldest kids have a responsibility over the younger kids especially when the younger kid gets in trouble and the older one gets the blame! ALSO when i go out, bea is not allowed to stay at home by herself so i always have to take her along when i'm supposed to be with my friends!

Bea: Why it sucks being the youngest:
COUNTER ATTACK! From my point of view, whenever Valerie goes out with friends, I have to come along but I'm always shunted to the side, ignored whatever you call it. So i have to come along with her if she goes out but if i go out (rarely) then she gets to stay at home because mum trusts her to be by herself and not blow up the house.

3rd Reason
Val: Why it sucks being the oldest:
Oldest kids get more HOUSE CHORES! eg i hate washing the dishes, but if dad is away on business trip, or we have lunch at home while we're on holidays- i'm expected to do the dishes.

Bea: Why it sucks being the youngest:
COUNTER ATTACK! Actually, if Valerie has a chore that she doesn't want to do that i COULD do, she makes me do it. Or part of it anyway. (val: "it's called DELEGATION!") (bea: "it's called ANNOYING!")

4th Reason
Val: Why it sucks being the oldest:
Oldest kids always have this EXPECTATION set by the parents to do well and to be a "role model" or example to our younger siblings. which can be a lot of pressure especially if we stuff up and our parents use the guilt trip to make us feel as we're letting our young siblings down.

Bea: Why it sucks being the youngest:
COUNTER ATTACK! Just like older kids have expectations set by parents, the younger kids get compared to the older kid. Parents (not all the time) end up saying, "Why can't you be like [insert name here]? And then they go on to say how [insert name here] do so well and yeah, then they do the mini guilt trip on you to make you feel bad that your sibling is doing such a great job and being such a great role model but you're not responding.

In closing
this argument could've gone on forever... but in the end we decided that altogether... it sucks to be girls because guys' parents aren't as protective! ie even though i have my P's i'm still not allowed to drive myself anywhere and frankie agrees as his female friends at uni get the same deal whereas all his male friends can! (and they're LAUGHING about it!)(bea: "no comment. Are you done yet?")

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

The hedges were tall and closely packed together. The growing darkness combined with the eerie sound of the wind whistling through the shrubbery acted powerfully upon her imagination, in her frightened and weakened state. She froze in terror at the large hulking mass on her left only to realise that it was another statue, though its surface was so weathered that she could barely make out its features. She had glimpsed many similar ones throughout the maze, some in better condition than others, which she regretted as some had been almost life-like, and their faces etched with gruesome pain flitted across her memory and lingered like a bad odour.

Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, she assessed her current situation. There was no denying it, she was lost. A thin tendril of fear slowly crept up, wrapping its poisonous tentacles around her, casting the first seed of doubt into her mind. She fiercely swallowed back tears, this was no time to be emotional! Instead, she needed all her wits in order to think how to get herself out of this mess. For she knew there was no one to help her. Cursing loudly, she held the smoky torch higher to illuminate her way along the rocky and treacherous path. In her other hand she held her sword, thin and tapered it looked fragile to the amateur eye, but it was deadly fast and strong as steel. The ground crunched as she strode forward, eyes darting everywhere, searching her surroundings with her keen vision.

Her arm ached, sending waves of pain coursing through her body. But she knew that if she let the light go out, she was as good as dead. Even the mere thought of darkness spurred her onwards, but her foot slipped- and in one graceful arc she tumbled to the ground. As though in slow motion, her arms felt as heavy as lead as she struggled to reach for the dying torch but she could only watch in despair, the scream stuck in her throat as the light blinked feebly, then disappeared.

Suddenly she was free from her paralysis and she was able to draw great shuddering breaths. Huddling against the bushes, she felt for her sword and was slightly comforted by its solid, reassuring presence. But the fear continued to bubble in her chest. Squeezing her eyes tight she tried to remember what her teacher Nadal had instructed her to do if ever she was in such a situation. But the grief was too raw and all her resolve gave way to bitter tears. Curse it! she ground her teeth in frustration, was she a warrior or not? Guilt and shame raged inside, gnawing at her stomach until she felt dizzy and nauseous.

Face it, her sterner self reprimanded her, you're going to die here. No food, no water, no shelter, stuck in this infernal maze with who knows what manner of beasts lurking around. What's the point of living anyway? Nadal is gone, so are your brothers, your family has disowned you... you can't fix it, you can't change the past.

Her will faltered. Maybe, she thought. She was so tired, her stubborn nature rarely conceded to defeat, but she was just so tired. After all she had been through, all she had fought, could she simply just let go, give up? Maybe that was the solution after all. Just stop fighting...

If she hadn't been so exhausted she would been diligent to close her mind to the nagging whispers. But as it was she succumbed to their persuasion and failed to see a thin figure detach itself from the shadows. Covered head to toe in a heavy black cloak the mage surveyed his prize. She was beautiful, he had to admit, with her slim figure, long luxurious dark brown hair that framed a pale oval face, but what most people noticed first was her eyes. Grey, they looked silver in the light, but turned almost black when she was angry. He had noticed that she moved with an almost feline grace, confident and dangerous.

Tracking her had not been easy. She possessed a warrior's cunning and her stealth and speed caused him nearly to lose her more than once. He smiled, twisting his face into a strange grimace that would have caused most people to draw back in horror. The scar which ran from his scalp down to his neck mutated his features until he looked barely human. He jerked his hand and the girl, for she was only sixteen, slowly rose into the air as if held by puppet strings. Putting her to sleep was only the first step, he mused, as he drew a circle in the air around himself and his precious quarry. But the rest... would be infinitely more enjoyable. The ground trembled as he gathered his power, and with an earth-shuddering crack, they were gone.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

long have i pondered.

Long have I pondered the pain of the cross:
Wood soaked in blood, washed with tears, drenched in sweat.
Whips, cruel nails, crown of thorns, countless cost:
Somehow this death is both promise and threat.
Cascades of suffering and love shrink my pride:
Silent I'm hushed by his spear-riven side.

Long have I pondered the shame of the cross:
Jeered by the troops, by authorities scorned.
Mocked by a brigand, society's dross -
Christ is abandoned, rejected, ignored.
How can I focus on triumphs and things?
Here writhes my Maker, Redeemer and King.

Long have I pondered the curse of the cross:
Sinless, the Christ bears my guilt and my pain.
Thundering silence, a measureless cost -
God in his heaven lets Christ cry in vain.
Now I can glimpse sin's bleak horror, and worse:
Christ dies and bears the unbearable curse.

Long have I pondered the Christ of the cross:
Gone is the boasting when I'm next to him.
Loving the rebel, redeeming the lost,
Jesus' pure goodness exposes my sin.
Self is cut down by this triumph of grace:
Christ's bloody cross is the hope of our race.

[Shout with Delight - Lyrics by DA Carson]

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. 1 Peter 1:3

Thursday, April 13, 2006

val's dress! (haha)

i found it! THE dress i've been looking for =)

no no not the $660 one, this time it was at a fairly reasonable $165, and the first one i picked up was my size too! so i'm going to be wearing this one to the val's (ie Valedictory Dinner)

now for shoe shopping which is infinitely more fun!!

ahhh i LOVE holidays!!!! finally have the time to read to my heart's content... and to be able to SLEEP IN! oh bliss ...

Monday, April 10, 2006

myer briggs personality test

[italics is what i really agree with!]

Your Type is INFJ - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
Introverted - 44%
Intuitive - 38%
Feeling - 62%
Judging - 89%

INFJs generally have the following traits:

  • Intuitively understand people and situations
  • Idealistic
  • Highly principled
  • Complex and deep
  • Natural leaders
  • Sensitive and compassionate towards people
  • Service-oriented
  • Future-oriented
  • Value deep, authentic relationships
  • Reserved about expressing their true selves
  • Dislike dealing with details unless they enhance or promote their vision
  • Constantly seeking meaning and purpose in everything
  • Creative and visionary
  • Intense and tightly-wound
  • Can work logically and rationally - use their intuition to understand the goal and work backwards towards it


The INFJ is a special individual who needs more out of a career than a job. They need to feel as if everything they do in their lives is in sync with their strong value systems - with what they believe to be right. Accordingly, the INFJ should choose a career in which they're able to live their daily lives in accordance with their deeply-held principles, and which supports them in their life quest to be doing something meaningful. Since INFJs have such strong value systems, and persistent intuitive visions which lend them a sense of "knowing", they do best in positions in which they are leaders, rather than followers. Although they can happily follow individuals who are leading in a direction which the INFJ fully supports, they will very unhappy following in any other situation.

Possible Career Paths for the INFJ:

  • Clergy / Religious Work
  • Teachers
  • Medical Doctors? / Dentists
  • Alternative Health Care Practitioners, i.e. Chiropractor, Reflexologist
  • Psychologists
  • Psychiatrists
  • Counselors and Social Workers
  • Musicians and Artists
  • Photographers
  • Child Care / Early Childhood Development

Most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates."

While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership.

take the test yourself: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

Friday, April 07, 2006

warning: girly post ahead

i went shopping yesterday at Castle Towers... and i saw THE perfect dress.

i was actually looking for a dress to wear to Valedictory Dinner but i didn't want anything too formal, and not too casual either. i was thinking black perhaps, seeing as i don't have a black dress, and everyone needs a black dress.

so i was walking past this shop... and i saw this dark grey dress, that goes down to about the knees, and the design was so simple and yet so stylish! the cut was a little bit too low than i usually wear, so i kept walking... but all the other dresses i saw were too flowery or too long, or just not original enough.

so at the end of the night i went back to the shop and to my surprise, the dress i liked was made of really really nice material- felt like silk.

then i turn the price tag over to see how much it was...

=O !!!

$660!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well i dropped it like it was a hot piece of coal just in case i somehow 'damaged' it and had to pay for it!! i would never EVER pay that much just for a piece of clothing. i mean, between $100 to $200 is quite good and i'd be willing to pay for that - of course it would be even better if it was on sale, but that's enough to fill another post - but $660?!?!!?

sigh... my perfect dress-hunting continues...

and after i'll have to find the shoes to match...

sigh...

Sunday, April 02, 2006

where is the love?

have you ever had a moment of such clarity that it stuns you to your core? a moment of realisation that rocks your comfortable little world that you've built around you?

the sermon today was on "walking together in love". it also just so happened that this morning on the radio the sermon there was on 1 Cor 13. All this talk of love, and yet i thought to myself, "where is the love?" Together with other Christians as a family worshipping God - i could not feel it. In fact, i haven't felt loved for quite a long time.

now why is that so? i wondered... it's because i haven't been showing love for a long time. ever since yr 12 started, i've been so wrapped up in my own world, so self-interested, so selfish that i haven't even thought about others. at all.

in reality, i don't think i've grown spiritually since year 12 started. i haven't been listening with my heart, i haven't challenged myself, i haven't learned or applied what i learnt. my focus hasn't been on God or eternity it's been on me.

i've done exactly what i'm not supposed to do which is put HSC in top priority instead of God. not in that i haven't been going to church or that i haven't been doing my quiet times. on the contrary, on the shallow level everything looks fine... but i'm just going thru the motions of it all. i've lost the meaning of it.

when was the last time i contemplated God's great love for me in sending Christ to die on the cross for my sins? when was the last time i committed to serving others out of my love for them and to bring glory to God? when was the last time i thought about anybody else except myself?

there is only one thing to do. i must repent and turn to God. i know now, that i can no longer deceive myself anymore, that i can't do this on my own, and that i don't have to. Thank God that He has opened my eyes otherwise if i kept going the way i was, i probably would've stopped being a Christian by the end of the year.

this is my time of trial, of testing. pray for me that i will not fall.