where is the love?

have you ever had a moment of such clarity that it stuns you to your core? a moment of realisation that rocks your comfortable little world that you've built around you?

the sermon today was on "walking together in love". it also just so happened that this morning on the radio the sermon there was on 1 Cor 13. All this talk of love, and yet i thought to myself, "where is the love?" Together with other Christians as a family worshipping God - i could not feel it. In fact, i haven't felt loved for quite a long time.

now why is that so? i wondered... it's because i haven't been showing love for a long time. ever since yr 12 started, i've been so wrapped up in my own world, so self-interested, so selfish that i haven't even thought about others. at all.

in reality, i don't think i've grown spiritually since year 12 started. i haven't been listening with my heart, i haven't challenged myself, i haven't learned or applied what i learnt. my focus hasn't been on God or eternity it's been on me.

i've done exactly what i'm not supposed to do which is put HSC in top priority instead of God. not in that i haven't been going to church or that i haven't been doing my quiet times. on the contrary, on the shallow level everything looks fine... but i'm just going thru the motions of it all. i've lost the meaning of it.

when was the last time i contemplated God's great love for me in sending Christ to die on the cross for my sins? when was the last time i committed to serving others out of my love for them and to bring glory to God? when was the last time i thought about anybody else except myself?

there is only one thing to do. i must repent and turn to God. i know now, that i can no longer deceive myself anymore, that i can't do this on my own, and that i don't have to. Thank God that He has opened my eyes otherwise if i kept going the way i was, i probably would've stopped being a Christian by the end of the year.

this is my time of trial, of testing. pray for me that i will not fall.