spiritual hunger

This post has been a long time coming you could say. What I mean by this is that these thoughts have been flitting in and out of my mind since the beginning of this year; though I've had chances to reflect upon them... it's taken me so long to be able to string them together in coherent sentences simply because I keep putting it off until I have "time" which is ironic really as I don't have time and even when I do; there are many other things I'd rather do than analyse my thoughts.

I've been feeling spiritually low ever since KYLC. There are many reasons for this, including pressure of year 12, loss of friends, rapid changes in environment, and other problems. It's like I'm thirsty beyond compare and everytime I go to EYF or church I am given one drop of water to drink. It is so refreshing but only for a little while- and it makes me more thirsty afterwards.

One of the worst things about it is that it is ongoing. It is not like a problem where all I need to do is talk to someone, get some advice, and lo and behold! My problem's gone. No- they're just bandaid solutions. So what can I do? Nothing. I am a weak, sinful human being with neither the wisdom nor the strength to help myself. I can only trust in God who I know is faithful and sovereign.

He's taught me a few fair things over the past months; though I do ask myself sometimes why they have to be such hard lessons. One is not to take things given by God for granted, for the Lord gives and He also takes away. Yet who am I to question Him? For in all things He works for my good- to make me more like Christ. Though I am blind and cannot see how, since I've been most unChristlike and been floundering in my faith all year... but I put my trust in Him because that's all I've got sustaining me.

Life is in itself; an immense struggle, it seems to me. And I have no right to be happy, to be safe, to be loved. Everything that I am and I have is a gift from our merciful God. So I pray that He would teach me how to be content, and that even if everything I hold dear in my life is taken from me, I would still have hope. Hope that one day all sorrow and loss and pain and death will be taken away and we will be His people and He will be our God.