it's calling me...

it has been a week and four days since i put myself under a self-imposed ban from msn.

it's been getting better, i find that the longer time passes between when i go online, the easier it is to walk away and not be tempted to go on.

but tonight i struggled for a long time in front of my computer... wanting, desiring, yet the other half of me stands its ground and refuses. i made a promise to myself; and i do not easily break my promises. and yet, it's so insistent, it constantly pulls and nags at me, i can feel it.

Lord give me strength to fight this spiritual battle. I feel it warring on my soul: the desire to do good and live rightly, and the insiduous temptation. I feel like i'm battling myself; my new self versus the old, sinful nature.

i think the temptation to go online is so strong because i feel very alone tonight. without study or other things to fill my head, i realise i had been riding on a high since study camp.. and whatever goes up must come down. and it is my own fault really... for neglecting my quiet times.

so perhaps a little loneliness is a good thing. i've always hated, feared it but it seems everytime i learn invaluable lessons...that too often i rely on humans instead of trusting God with everything. that there is no one but Him who can give me what i need, fill me with peace and joy. In his mercy he has shown me that all human relationships are fragile, transient... and that i need to learn to let go and allow people to come and go and follow their own paths.

as for me i need to learn to look past my own sinfulness and shortcomings. i have always judged myself harshly and i forget that God sees my worth and was willing and did die for me. sometimes it is good for it keeps me humble because i know i am far far from perfect. but other times it is so hard to remember that Christ has won the victory and i no longer need to be consumed with guilt; that i am free from slavery to sin.

the journey to recovery is a slow one. i'm not sure if i'm even on it yet; but i believe so. i have no choice.